The “Atlas” trap of overgiving, and why kindness is the antidote

Atlas and his Stone

You can handle things that other people can’t.  Operate at speed. You pride yourself on giving more than you receive.  You are known for saying “yes” whenever someone is in need – at work, at home, in your community. You care deeply about being excellent and effective in all the spheres of your life.

And slowly but surely, your zest and desire and joy and energy are draining away under the Atlas Stone of everyone else’s needs and expectations.

You know you “should” be looking after yourself better – but you’ve got nothing left in the tank.

Your confidence is at a low ebb, and you are starting to wonder if maybe you’re at a dead end. You watch as you keep saying yes when you mean no, stay in situations long past their use-by date, and keep your dreams quietly on the back burner until “it’s the right time”.

How did I get here?

This is the plight of the super capable, super competent, super-coper.

And she was me.  A lifetime of chasing academic and professional achievement, always focused on the next goal, a “do-gooder” identity that led me into juggling caregiving at home with a 24/7 on call profession as a midwife, always reaching for the next thing where I would finally “fulfil my potential”.

At 45, the scaffolding came down all at once — the big job that wasn’t fulfilling me, the long “happy” marriage that had run its course, a body that was tired and sore, a brain that was overactive, hypercritical and sad, and a spirit quietly, insistently, yearning for more.

Only when everything fell apart could I see that my super-coper super-capable story was covering up a deep sense of feeling “not good enough”, and it was costing me my emotional and physical wellbeing and my sense of self.

The high cost of over-giving and self-neglect

We talk about stress as though it’s an inconvenient but necessary fact of life of the high achiever. The research tells a different story.

Chronic psychosocial stress — the kind that builds slowly over years of over-giving and self-neglect — is now recognised as a significant driver of cardiovascular disease in women. A landmark 2024 review by the American College of Cardiology identified caregiving stress as one of the psychosocial stressors most specifically common to women, with consequences that begin early and persist across the life course. The body keeps score, even when the mind insists it’s fine.

Sleep is one of the first casualties. Women are 40% more likely than men to experience insomnia, and nearly half of all women get less than the recommended seven hours per night. Women are 13% more likely than men to lose sleep specifically to caregiving and household responsibilities. Chronic sleep deprivation doesn’t just make us tired — research shows it impairs decision-making, increases emotional reactivity, and deepens anxiety and depression.

Then there’s the internal weather — the worry that loops, the rumination that settles in at 3am, the hypercritical inner voice that never fully quietens. Research consistently shows women are more prone to brooding — a self-critical form of rumination — than men, and that it is one of the strongest predictors of depression.

And then there are the relationships. When we are running on empty — emotionally depleted, physically exhausted, disconnected from ourselves — we cannot show up fully for the people we love. The very people we have been sacrificing ourselves for. This is the cruel irony of chronic self-neglect: it doesn’t protect our relationships. It quietly hollows them out.

Why we keep giving even when our cup is empty

Because the giving is rewarded.

When you are capable, reliable, self-sufficient and endlessly giving, people depend on you. You are praised. You are promoted. Nobody asks what it is costing you — and you have learned not to ask yourself.

The “not good enough” feeling doesn’t disappear. It gets buried under the next achievement, the next responsibility, the next person to take care of. And the inner critic — that quiet, reasonable voice that says not yet, not quite, a little more first — keeps you in a permanent state of preparation for a life you never quite get around to living.

Stopping the self-abandonment takes two things.

The kind courage to see clearly what is happening.

And the brave compassion to care enough about yourself to start tending yourself differently.

Not one or the other. Both. Because courage without compassion becomes self-punishment — and compassion without courage becomes avoidance. Together, they are what makes real change possible.

This is what getting brave and getting kind means. Not as a slogan. As a practice. As the two movements that, repeated over time, bring you back to yourself.

Self-compassion offers the deep support you need to reset your relationship with yourself

Most approaches to stress or burnout offer tactics. Do less – rest better.  Do more – exercise or eat better. These are not wrong — but they are surface-level responses to a deeper pattern.

Self-compassion is an evidence-backed approach to move from a self-critical inner voice with an endless list of “shoulds”, to aligning your behaviour with what you desire and value.  The inner critic becomes an inner coach, and you move from self-doubt to deep trust.

Self-compassion is associated with lower perceived stress, attenuated physiological responses to stress, the practice of health-promoting behaviours, and better physical health. Across multiple studies it is linked to improved physical and psychological outcomes, including reduced distress in people living with chronic illness. It doesn’t just change how we feel — it changes how we function, physically and relationally.

Self-compassion has two faces — soft and firm. The soft face is warmth and acknowledgement of pain. The firm face is the willingness to tell the truth, to make hard decisions, to stop abandoning yourself in the name of not letting others down. Both are necessary.

Where to begin: six ways to start getting brave and getting kind

1. Notice the “not yet” voice — and don’t automatically believe it. When the inner critic says not quite ready, a little more first, notice that you are putting on the brakes. Then look for the small signs of growth – the evidence that you are in the midst of getting ready. Ask yourself, what could a brave next step look like?

2. Do the yes/no audit. Look at your week. Find one yes that was actually a no. You don’t have to act on it yet — just notice it honestly. Naming the pattern is the first act of courage. You can’t change what you can’t see.

3. Try the “best friend” reframe. When something goes wrong or you’re being hard on yourself, place a hand on your heart and ask: what would I say to someone I love who felt this way right now? Then speak to yourself in that “best friend” voice..

4. Make one act of self-tending non-negotiable — starting today. Not earned. Not contingent on getting everything else done first. One thing — a proper meal, a walk, eight hours of sleep, ten minutes of stillness — that you give to yourself because you matter. Not as a reward. As a right.

5. Ask yourself the question you’ve been avoiding. What am I yearning for? Write it down. You don’t have to act on it yet. But you need to invite the answer — because you can’t go after a life you haven’t admitted you want.

6. Build your evidence. At the end of today, write down one thing you did that took courage. A hard conversation. A boundary held. A small step toward something that scared you. Register it. This is how real self-trust is built — not through affirmations, but through noticing what you actually do and letting it count.

If this is landing

The answer isn’t to stop caring. It’s to finally turn toward yourself with the same courage and compassion you’ve been giving to everyone else.

That is what getting brave and getting kind with yourself actually means.

If you’re ready to put down your Atlas Stone — I’d love to talk.

That’s what BRAVEKind is built for.

Heather Bailey is the founder of BRAVEKind — coaching and community for deeply capable women learning to get brave and get kind — with themselves — so they can step boldly into what’s next.