Atlas and his Stone
You can handle things other people can't. You're the one who says yes when someone's in need: the shift covered, the difficult family, the project nobody else wanted. You're known for being capable, reliable and calm under pressure.
And slowly, the weight builds. Everyone else's needs and expectations, carried on your shoulders, like Atlas holding up the sky.
You know you "should" look after yourself better. But there's nothing left in the tank.
I know this trap well. For years I juggled caregiving at home with a 24/7 on-call profession as a midwife, and later senior leadership roles, always reaching for the next thing. It took everything coming down at once for me to see what my "super-coper" story was covering, and what it was costing.
Why capable leaders keep overgiving
Because the giving is rewarded. When you're reliable and endlessly available, people depend on you. You're praised. You're promoted. Nobody asks what it's costing you, and you've learned not to ask yourself.
Many organisations quietly depend on this. Stretched teams are often held together by the people who find it hardest to say no. That says more about the system than about you.
And the cost goes beyond you. When the leader carries everything, the team stops growing. Problems come to you instead of being solved together. People stop stepping up, because there's no room to. A leader who over-functions often creates a team that under-functions around them. And the people you're carrying it all for end up with less of you: a tired, stretched, slightly short-fused version.
In the restorative cycle I teach, this starts with Recognise: noticing what we're carrying, and whether it's ours to carry.
That takes both halves of compassion. Soft compassion lets you see the pattern clearly, without beating yourself up. The overgiving came from care, and from years of being rewarded for it. Fierce compassion gives you the courage to put some of it down: to say no, to hand something back, to ask for help, to raise the load with the people who set it.
The yes/no audit
Look back over your week and write down:
One yes that was really a no.
One thing you carried that someone else could have carried, or grown from carrying.
One thing you'd put down this week, if you gave yourself permission.
You don't have to act on any of it yet. Just notice. Naming the pattern is the first act of courage.
An invitation
If you recognised yourself here, it might be time for a conversation.
Leadership coaching offers one-to-one thinking partnership for leaders in complex roles. Restorative leadership programmes help leaders steady themselves, raise issues early and rebuild trust across their teams. [Explore support for leaders]
If you'd like to talk, get in touch at heather.bailey@thinkfresh.nz.
Warmly,
Heather
When we thrive, our people and the mission thrive too.
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