The Circle

Matteo Badini

I’ve been digesting some lovely, thoughtful feedback from our Retreat.  One of our participants said something she really appreciated was learning

“how to get through when you are at the bottom of the circle”.

This metaphor of a circle came from a discussion we had around the fire in the lounge – six women, in a safe space to explore, talking about growing in our ability to accept difficult thoughts and feelings and experiences.  And about how that acceptance can lead to feeling more fully ourselves.

I introduced the metaphor of a circle.  At the top of the circle are our peak experiences.  The exuberant emotions, the triumphs, the harvesting of our hard work, the creative flow where songs, solutions, books and art emerge into the world.  The summer day when skin is accepting the warmth of the sun, our tongues are tasting the ripe tomato, and the flowers scent the air.  The out breath when the body can just BE, open and relaxed.

The bottom of the circle is where we find the troughs of life.  The not-knowing place.  The will-it-ever-come-right place.  The time BEFORE the new idea, the solution, the hope arises.  The time when we are noticing the gap between how we would like it to be, and how it is.  The winter when it is grey and cold and we are shrinking into ourselves to take refuge and try to find comfort.

We all prefer the top of the circle.  But what if we could remember, that our peak experiences always contain the bottom-of-the-circle moments?  And what if we could remember, in the tenderness of the bottom of the circle, that the seeds for flow, creation and love are also present?

The song that came from heartbreak.  The solution that came from acute awareness of suffering.  The harvest that came from ground being allowed to be fallow, looking barren even when seeds are beginning to activate underground.   From seeing what was, and working to provide what was needed, to set the conditions for growth.

This morning I had a bottom-of-the-circle moment, where I had a choice between avoidance or acceptance.  It was a moment of disappointment.  Of noticing a gap between what I was wanting, and what was on offer. 

I noticed my urge to rush past, to cover up, to use my energy to manufacture a “nicer” feeling.  And I chose not to.  I chose to feel the feeling and allow congruence.  To refrain from using my energy for anything other than what was.

It didn’t feel nice.  But it did feel authentic.  Congruent.  Me.  

In the following minutes and hours, my energy was freed to look after myself, to respond rather than react, and to re-establish connection from a place of grounded me-ness rather than needy am-I-enough-ness. 

And so I rise again, more and more myself each time around the Circle.

May you be safe.

May you be free.

May you be well.

May you know peace.

I don’t want to be small

Heather Bailey, July 2025

I am pretty resistant to a lot of what the “wellness” industry tries to sell me. Maybe you are too? I am interested in questions about “healthy” food, movement, and ways of thinking, because I want to make choices that will support my mind and body to carry me with as much vitality as possible into my old age. I’d like to unlearn patterns of behaviour that make it much more likely that I will experience disability earlier and also unlearn patterns of behaviour that keep me in coping/denial mode instead of thriving mode.

But … I am NOT interested in treating my body as an aesthetic object to be measured and assessed, mostly for the benefit of others. I don’t believe in a hierarchy of “good” bodies, for any of us, and don’t wish to participate in perpetuating that for you, either. I want to honour my body as the place where I experience pleasure, where I can exhibit superpowers like growing birthing and feeding a whole other human being, and as the place where I experience connection with the people I love.

Sometimes the world of health coaching can trigger feelings of “not good-enough-ness”. There can be explicit calls to “win” with the longest fast, the healthiest diet (whatever that is), the best sleep, the ultimate mindfulness routine, the optimal supplementation regime … you name it.

I give you all permission right now — if you see me doing that, please “call me in” and invite me to think again.

So what am I doing here in the mind-body coaching space?

It’s because the coach approach means I can be radically on YOUR agenda — what is important to you, what are you yearning for, what steps feel workable to you right now, and how can I support you to learn and grow.

It means I can hold the truth that the functioning of our minds and bodies are inextricably linked, so we don’t have to separate mental health and emotional wellbeing from our physical wellbeing.

It means that I can support you to experience being able to tell the truth to yourself about the gap between what you are yearning for, and where you are right now, and help you to take action to build that bridge.

It means that I can reflect back to you, your growth into becoming your full glorious self.

Go ahead — grow, expand, get strong and fierce and loud and proud. Let’s stop shrinking ourselves into someone else’s mould. Let’s do messy growth together.

On The Deep Yes Podcast: Self-tending with Susan Wardell

Susan Wardell

In July we recorded and aired Episode 3 of The Deep Yes, in conversation with Susan Wardell. Susan  is an academic, writer, mother, and artistic dabbler from Ōtepoti Dunedin. Her PhD was about burnout, and her current work circles around medical crowdfunding, climate emotion, and moss.

Susan is also a poet, and her creativity practice has been a big part of her own healing journey. For a deeply delightful experience, listen to Susan reading her poem “Radishes”.

This was one of those conversations that just keeps reverberating, long after it is over. We talked about how “wellness” and “wellbeing” can take on a moralising quality — which means we are “good” when we are well, and “bad” when we are not. This is all kinds of problematic — it pretends that our wellbeing is entirely in our control, it ignores inequitable and systemic factors that create barriers to wellbeing, it tends to reduce wellbeing to how we look (with thin/muscular/lean=good and everything else=bad), and it also ignores the potential to experience wellbeing even in the midst of illness or disability.

The concept of self-tending is an alternative, enabling metaphor, where we are both the gardener and the garden. We observe what is present, and ask what is needed. We may need soothing in the present with perhaps a bath or a hug or a walk, sow the seeds for a future harvest by lifting weights or decreasing alcohol, or do some major path readjustments by for instance embarking on a new career. The garden may experience a drought year, or be blooming in abundance, and we can practice this same noticing / accepting / tending / composting.

As I progress in my coaching practice, I’m adjusting my language more and more to include what helps us to expand our ability to recognise and amplify the healing potential even within difficult experiences, that enable us to make the most of our lives along our whole life and healthspan, and exclude concepts that sort us into “good” and “bad”.

Thank you Susan for your generous spirit.

Connect to Susan on Instagram.

On Belonging

I’m noticing how sometimes I act like whether or not I belong is up for a vote. 

Am I welcome?  What do I deserve? What am I worth?

Here is what I want to tell you:

There is no hierarchy of belonging.  Of worth.  Of deserving.

You are the daughter of your ancestors.  This cannot be undone.

You carry the imprint, the layers, of the landscapes you have inhabited.

Here are some of mine, in case I forget:

The myrtle and the mango

The oak and the aspen

The gorse and the gum

The pelican and the cardinal

The woodpecker and the eagle

The tui and the morepork

The gecko and the chipmunk

The pika and the prairie dog

The possum and the mouse

From the Gulf Coast to the Tuki Tuki

From Appalachia to the Rockies

From Mopanui to Te Mata

These layers like paint, like fascia, like skin

Are present even when we can’t remember

Here also is what I want to tell you:

Tend yourself as though you are your most precious possession

Your most precious heirloom from your ancestors

As though it were a matter of life and death

As though your wellbeing is the most precious gift you can offer the world

How would you

Speak

Act

Prioritise

What would you stop and let go of

If you KNEW this to be true?

In Praise of Language

Vic Parsons

I was lucky enough to spend time in conversation with the deeply delicious and delightful Vic Parsons, recording Episode 2 of The Deep Yes, my podcast exploring our experiences of turning toward our deepest yearnings to become more fully ourselves.   

Vic is a māmā, community activator, perinatal wellbeing advocate, and creative.  We had a wide-ranging conversation that covered attunement, the use of language, embracing imperfection, the pleasure of a good book, and whether or not using a vibrator is cheating …

One of Vic’s superpowers is the thoughtful crafting of language.  Language can be such a powerful tool in creating space to allow us to respond rather than stay stuck in a reaction loop. 

Our conversation keeps triggering resonant tendrils.  I’ve been thinking about what happens in our brains when we intentionally use language as a tool to slow down our reactions and allow for more shared meaning making. 

When we pause and actively consider what words we want to use, we translate our inner world out into the shared space of speech.  We are giving our brains time to process snap emotional reactions generated from our deep midbrains to travel to our language processing centres and let our prefrontal cortexes – where our rationality sits – a chance to enter in on the dance.

Vic and i talked about how language can help us to acknowledge when “the ick” enters the room.  You know the feeling – someone says or does something that falls flat, and the awkward uncomfortable cringe is palpable in the room.  Everyone can feel it.   And most of us have the feeling that we want to run a mile from that feeling – it is just unbearable. 

When I’m in the midst of that feeling, especially if I am the one that has caused the ick, my brain goes to shame and blame – I bet yours does too.  Which leads to avoidance – I want to get as far away as possible and just pretend like it never happened. 

The problem is, unacknowledged ick doesn’t really go anywhere.  It might lose it’s immediate potency, but it lingers like that trifle I forgot in the back of the car – that smell will never go away!  And whatever rupture has happened with those relationships doesn’t have the chance to be repaired.

What helps me to step away from avoidance and choose to speak about the ick, the truth that if I am feeling it, the other person is too.  Which leads to compassion for us both feeling that discomfort.

What if we think of the ick as an entity – not you, not me – an unwanted guest that has arrived uninvited to the party.  Nobody is glad to see and feel the ick.  Calling out that the ick has arrived is a way of becoming an ally with the other person who is also experiencing the discomfort – neither of us is glad to be feeling this way!  Let’s figure it out together!

This is where those language tools come in handy, to help us get that ick out into a neutral space between us, so we can have a look at it together. 

Vic suggested a great phrase to start with, is “I’m noticing”.  As in, “I’m noticing that I am feeling really uncomfortable with how that went.”   Then you might be able to generate some curiosity, “How was that for you?”  “What do you think made that get so uncomfortable?”  “How could we do that differently next time?”

How different is it, after a disagreement with a colleage or family member, to get curious instead of telling a right/wrong story?  

What adventures have you had with language?  What are your favourite phrases to pull out when the ick enters the room?

The Deep Yes Podcast on Radio Hawkes Bay

The Deep Yes is about how we find ways to turn toward what we are most deeply yearning for. How do we know when to make a change? How do we tend to ourselves with kindness and courage? How do we tell the truth to ourselves and create our paths to becoming our fullest selves?

Join me in conversation with women who fascinate and inspire me.

Find the latest episodes of The Deep Yes Podcast here, on Radio Hawkes Bay

Host Heather Bailey

Confidence

What is it, where does it come from, what is it good for? And how can we develop it?

Confidence seems to come up almost universally in coaching conversations. I hear clients saying things like, “I want to get back in the driver’s seat”, or“I want to get better at making decisions”.

I’d define confidence as something like, “A belief in one’s ability to take action that moves us closer to the person we want to be”. It includes kindness toward our imperfections, and acceptance that our efforts won’t always have the desired outcome.

The recipe for confidence includes developing muscles in these areas:

• Self-knowledge — defining our values, our strengths, our aspirations, and what our learning and support needs are

• Courage — to try, to learn, to make mistakes, to be seen

• Reality orientation — the ability to see, and to tolerate, what is true

• Self-responsibility — taking accountability for making choices, and for the outcomes of those choices

• Pragmatic hopefulness — a willingness to take some risks knowing that it won’t always work out, but that persistent effort will pay off

• Decisiveness — having a framework for evaluating options and making a choice

In my life, I also use other avenues into confidence. Joyful, exuberant and pleasurable movement — like dancing. Music — I’ve got many, many hype tracks. Nudity for full-bodied appreciation and banishing shame. Vibrant, dopamine-triggering dressing — if you see me in very colourful clothes, it might mean that I needed extra confidence jolt that day. Journalling, including what I’m appreciating, what I’m learning, and acknowledging successes. Creative writing including poetry and songwriting, to work through difficult experiences and reactions.

These are muscles and practices we work on in coaching. A cool outcome from coaching is that clients say, not only did they meet their initial goals, but they now have increased confidence in tackling other juicy challenges in life.

Being more confident translates into taking more skillful action, with more consistency, over a sustained period of time, that gets you closer and closer to your deepest, best version of yourself. Confidence is also contagious — your confidence spills over into your relationships at home and at work, and creates an environment where we can learn and grow together.

That’s my mission — to enable more and more confident sassy women who unleash their radical self-accepting, abundant, courageous, ambitious, powerful, healing, juicy, shame-free selves on the world!

What do you think? What makes you feel confident?

Podcast gestating …

In the spirit of taking “messy action”, I’m developing a podcast called “The Deep Yes”.

I want to bring you those conversations that we are always having over coffee and wine, on walks, and cuddled up on the sofa. Interviews with women who are creating more pleasure, meaning, and vitality in their lives. Women who have been through the stuck and the blah and have found a way through.

Hawkes Bay Radio is gonna sponsor the podcast and give technical support so it’s gonna happen!

I’m a big time nosy nancy about women’s  lives — aren’t you?

Fortunately I seem to be surrounded by inspiring, creative, saucy women who are generously gonna share their time and insights with us.

The Deep Yes is going to be full of juicy, personal interviews and stories about what happens when women who are the nurturers, leaders, and caregivers start to show up for their own wellbeing.

Each episode will dive into the stories of women who are stitching together lives of meaning and joy, one messy step at a time. We'll explore the tension between showing up for others and showing up for yourself, and what it means to truly nurture your own wellbeing.

We will broadcast every fortnight or so for 25 minutes of inspiring conversations that delve into the challenges and triumphs of women who are making a difference in their own lives and the lives of others.

We'll be asking questions about inspiration, balance, saying no, turning points, and what kinds of pleasure we want more of.

I hope you’ll listen in — we’ll let you know when we go live!

Let me know when the podcast airs

Welcome to ThinkFRESH Diaries!

I’m glad you’ve joined me here. I am building this space for YOU. Because you deserve a space to BE, to play, to explore, to learn, to become. You deserve a space where what you want and need is in the centre. Where you are surrounded by other like-minded women who affirm and inspire you. Where you can bring your full self, in all your glory and imperfection.

ThinkFRESH is in the process of becoming. Right now, it is a place where you can get one on one coaching, or coaching for your team or workplace. Soon, it will be a place where you can sign up for online group programmes on topics like:

• A Midwife’s Guide to Pleasure

• A Midwife’s Guide to Relaxation

• A Midwife’s Guide to Self-Care

• A Midwife’s Guide to Balance

• A Midwife’s Guide to Doing Hard Things

• A Midwife’s Guide to Making Choices

And a place where you can sign up for in-person retreat experiences, like:

• Deep Rest and Recovery: A Winter Retreat

And a place where you can get access to resources like:

• Daily journalling

• Guided relaxation

• Guided visualisation

• Practices for accepting thoughts and feelings

• A guided tour to thinking your way through complex decisions

I’d love to hear from you — what tickles your fancy? What’s your deepest need right now?

heather.bailey@thinkfresh.nz

Deep “Yes” and Easy “No”

What does “balance” even mean? Does mean we have to pay attention to everything equally? We all dance along the continuum of doing stuff for ourselves, and doing stuff for other people, and between just being and doing. But we can get stuck and spend all our time in just one domain…

When my clients talk about feeling out-of-balance, it almost always comes from a strong investment of energy in the doing stuff for other people sphere and missing out on self-care. It is such a strong source of meaning and identity as women, to nourish everyone around us.

These are the words women use:

I need to recalibrate

I want to get back to feeling myself

I’ve lost myself

I’m burned out

When we have a look, the activities that they are finding easy to say “yes” to, are in service to the important people in their lives. And this is a deeply held value and an important source of meaning and joy.

But … when the energy gets spent all in the domain of service to others, and very rarely in the domain of being with ourselves, we get depleted. We lose our sense of ourselves. We even lose the ability to find our full-bodied YES for ourselves.

A client said it beautifully this week: I want to get to a Deep Yes to the things that make me feel like me again, and an easy No for things that deplete me.

Her practice this week is going to be planning her day with balance in mind — making sure that there are Deep Yes things in her day alongside activities for others. And starting to practice that easy No.

How many ways can we think of to say the easy No?

I am not going to be able to fit that in

Sorry, that’s not going to work for me

Unfortunately I’m not able to do that for you

What is your favourite way to say “No”?

What are you saying a Deep “Yes” to this week?