In Praise of Language
Vic Parsons
I was lucky enough to spend time in conversation with the deeply delicious and delightful Vic Parsons, recording Episode 2 of The Deep Yes, my podcast exploring our experiences of turning toward our deepest yearnings to become more fully ourselves.
Vic is a māmā, community activator, perinatal wellbeing advocate, and creative. We had a wide-ranging conversation that covered attunement, the use of language, embracing imperfection, the pleasure of a good book, and whether or not using a vibrator is cheating …
One of Vic’s superpowers is the thoughtful crafting of language. Language can be such a powerful tool in creating space to allow us to respond rather than stay stuck in a reaction loop.
Our conversation keeps triggering resonant tendrils. I’ve been thinking about what happens in our brains when we intentionally use language as a tool to slow down our reactions and allow for more shared meaning making.
When we pause and actively consider what words we want to use, we translate our inner world out into the shared space of speech. We are giving our brains time to process snap emotional reactions generated from our deep midbrains to travel to our language processing centres and let our prefrontal cortexes – where our rationality sits – a chance to enter in on the dance.
Vic and i talked about how language can help us to acknowledge when “the ick” enters the room. You know the feeling – someone says or does something that falls flat, and the awkward uncomfortable cringe is palpable in the room. Everyone can feel it. And most of us have the feeling that we want to run a mile from that feeling – it is just unbearable.
When I’m in the midst of that feeling, especially if I am the one that has caused the ick, my brain goes to shame and blame – I bet yours does too. Which leads to avoidance – I want to get as far away as possible and just pretend like it never happened.
The problem is, unacknowledged ick doesn’t really go anywhere. It might lose it’s immediate potency, but it lingers like that trifle I forgot in the back of the car – that smell will never go away! And whatever rupture has happened with those relationships doesn’t have the chance to be repaired.
What helps me to step away from avoidance and choose to speak about the ick, the truth that if I am feeling it, the other person is too. Which leads to compassion for us both feeling that discomfort.
What if we think of the ick as an entity – not you, not me – an unwanted guest that has arrived uninvited to the party. Nobody is glad to see and feel the ick. Calling out that the ick has arrived is a way of becoming an ally with the other person who is also experiencing the discomfort – neither of us is glad to be feeling this way! Let’s figure it out together!
This is where those language tools come in handy, to help us get that ick out into a neutral space between us, so we can have a look at it together.
Vic suggested a great phrase to start with, is “I’m noticing”. As in, “I’m noticing that I am feeling really uncomfortable with how that went.” Then you might be able to generate some curiosity, “How was that for you?” “What do you think made that get so uncomfortable?” “How could we do that differently next time?”
How different is it, after a disagreement with a colleage or family member, to get curious instead of telling a right/wrong story?
What adventures have you had with language? What are your favourite phrases to pull out when the ick enters the room?
