I was with a new group last week, explaining how Restorative Leadership focuses on our inner capacity to bring our best selves to our trickiest moments at work. There were a variety of reactions in the rooms, from bright eyes and leaning forward, to knit brows and quizzical expressions. Sometimes it can feel really daunting to grasp that the biggest influence on our relationships and spiciest challenges can be what is happening in our inner world.
What happens on the days when we got broken sleep, are worried about a sick parent or tempestuous teen, didn’t get our caffeine dose correct, or have a really achy back? What about the days when our inner critic has gotten really loud, and our busy brains are concocting lots of scary scenarios for us?
It is difficult for us to access our calmest, most patient, most creative, clearest communicating self on those days.
So before we touch any leadership model, the first thing we do together is draw an energy map.
Choosing how to respond takes capacity
Restorative leadership asks a lot of us in the moments that matter. Staying curious and connected when someone is upset. Owning our part. Raising the hard thing early. Co-creating a solution that takes you somewhere unexpected. All of that rests on being able to choose how we respond, instead of just reacting.
Being able to make that choice needs capacity. When we’re running low, the space between something happening and our response shrinks to almost nothing, and we reach for whatever is quickest. Our nervous systems are craving certainty, safety and energy conservation, and we have less access to our creative, discerning, and flexible selves. We may snap, fix, avoid, or smooth it over. That’s just how depleted nervous systems roll, and it says nothing about anyone’s character.
That’s why I teach leaders who want to be able to consistently choose actions in line with their values, to develop an inner engine of self-tending. These are the critical, learnable skills:
Compassion for ourselves on difficult days, so a hard morning doesn’t become a harsh story about who we are.
Knowing ourselves and our patterns, so we can play to our strengths.
Slowing down, even for a breath, so there’s room to choose.
Recognising our capacity, and adjusting accordingly, so we’re leading with what we actually have today.
Taking accountability for tending our own needs.
The energy map is where we start, to grow awareness of what gives us energy and what drains us, and looking at what choices we can make to shift toward energy-giving patterns.
What the energy map shows us
It’s a simple exercise. A blank page, and a few questions. Where am I investing my energy? What fills me up? What drains me? What’s one small thing I could change?
It can be more surprising - and confronting - than people expect. It is tender to realise that you’ve been running on reserves for so long it just feels normal. The things that fill us up have dropped off the calendar, and the drains are so normal we no longer notice them.
Many things are within our reach to adjust. Participants often decide to make changes like:
— scheduling in that yoga or dance class or friend date
— taking sleep hygiene more seriously
— eating for energy and good mood
— getting outside and moving every day
— creating a leaving work ritual that helps us be more present at home
Making changes where we can, can also lead into collaborating with others to address drains that have become normalised within our work and home environments.
The map gives us an honest starting point. And it starts a habit: checking in with ourselves before we check in with everyone else.
Reading the gauge
Think of tending your energy as reading the gauge.
Where am I at today? Full, half, or running on fumes?
What do I need? Is there anything I can do right now that would help? Eat, take a break, go outside, phone a friend …
What do I need to adjust? What conversation needs me at my best, and could wait until tomorrow? What email needs a fresh set of eyes? What could I ask for help with?
Who else needs to know? Would it help my team to know I’m running low? How about my partner, or kids?
Does that last one surprise you, or feel weird? Saying “I had a rough night, so tell me if I’m short with you” can feel like weakness. It’s actually accountability, offered in advance. Your authenticity develops trusting relationships, and it gives your team permission to do the same.
Kindness on the hard days
Some days the gauge will read low, no matter how well we tend ourselves. Those are the days when we can be hardest on ourselves, and that harsh inner critic drains the tank faster still. It leads us to turn to behaviours like avoidance, suppression, overworking, and turning the blame outwards.
This is where compassion for ourselves earns its place. A kind word to ourselves on a hard day - this is tough, I’m doing what I can - can settle us enough to slow down. And slowing down gives us back the moment to choose.
It is learnable, it takes practice, and it makes a difference. Small, ordinary practice, done often, starting with an honest look at what’s in the tank.
A simple practice
Take a moment now, wherever you are. Write down (or dictate on a voice note):
Where is my energy gauge today, from empty to full?
What’s filling me up, and what are the drains?
Is there a drain that I could minimise today? Or a energy-giver that I could access?
Given where I am at, how do I want to adjust my day? A conversation to hold, help to ask for, a kind word for myself?
Whatever you notice, try to let go of the judgment and remember that it’s normal to have ups and downs. Just notice where you’re at, and what it’s asking of you.
An invitation
If you or your team is in the thick of it right now, and you could use some capacity-building, I’ve got a few openings for executive coaching and restorative leadership development.
Restorative leadership programmes build teams of leaders with the skills and capacity to steady themselves, raise issues early, and rebuild trust across their teams. Executive leadership coaching provides one-on-one private space to focus on your unique leadership strengths, aspirations, and challenges.
If you’d like to talk, get in touch.
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Warmly,
Heather
When we thrive, our people and the mission thrive too.
